After President Trump’s B 2 bombers turned several Iranian nuclear sites into high-temperature parking lots, regime clerics scrambled to explain the event within the framework of mystical Shiite theology.
Supreme Leader Khamenei claimed the uranium is now hidden—like the Twelfth Imam—awaiting a more just and centrifuge-friendly world.
According to a hastily assembled sermon (updated mid-blast), the strike was not an act of war but “a test sent by the Hidden Imam, disguised as Western aerospace engineering.” Ayatollahs insisted the explosions were “a sacred purification ritual” symbolizing the regime’s deep commitment to spiritual enrichment over isotopic.
State media reported that several nuclear scientists achieved martyrdom status, and their paradise paperwork is now being processed by the Department of Virgin Allocation. However, due to their high clearance level, the promised 72 virgins have been downgraded to "remote-only availability due to operational security."
When asked about Trump's role in this divine intervention, clerics paused, consulted their apocalyptic flowcharts, and finally concluded: "He may be the Last Trump. Interpret that as you will."
Sources close to the regime suggest that “the Last Trump” could be either a long-foretold signal of the coming apocalypse, or a dramatic drop in uranium futures.
Statistics: Posted by Red Square — 6/21/2025, 11:39 pm — Replies 2 — Views 566